the books and podcasts that have actually helped
Yesterday's post was the practical list , organisations, helplines, websites, what to do and in what order. This one is the more personal version. The things I've actually read and listened to, some of which were exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.
you can't get your child through the school gates. now what?
One of the things I wish I'd had in the early days of this is a sequence. Not a list of organisations, not another explanation of what school avoidance is, but a practical answer to the question that was actually keeping me up at night: I can't get her to school. What do I actually do now, and in what order?
the push and pull between what your gut says and what the school expects
I have gotten very good at nodding in school meetings. I nod when the attendance officer explains the referral process, and when someone says something that I know, from what is at this point a genuinely embarrassing amount of reading on the subject, is not quite how anxiety-based school avoidance works.
the dread arrives in August. here’s what to do with it.
August 10th. Five weeks until school starts, give or take, and the calendar that looked so reassuringly far away in June is suddenly not far away at all. The school meeting is booked, the emails have been sent, the plan exists, and still there is something sitting in the chest that the plan hasn't touched.
how to prepare for your back to school meeting (before september arrives)
August has a way of arriving faster than you think it will, and if you have a school-avoidant child, the weeks between now and the first day of school are not just summer — they're the window where the conversation with the school either happens or doesn't.
we don't have a plan for 10th grade and I am doing great
It is July. September is six weeks away, give or take, and I have not yet successfully answered the question of what 10th grade looks like for my daughter. I have, however, created several documents, attended two meetings that ended without resolution, and read the same three articles multiple times as though they might say something different on the fourth pass.
the IEP and 504 accommodations worth asking for if your child has school avoidance
One of the things nobody tells you early enough is that you are allowed to ask for specific things. Not just "support" in the vague, reassuring way schools sometimes offer it, but actual, named, documented accommodations that the school is legally required to provide once they're written into a plan.
she gets herself to camp every day. I have questions.
My daughter is a camp counselor this summer. She gets up, she gets ready, she gets there. Not without the occasional logistical wobble, not without some mornings that require more navigating than others, but she gets there. Every day.
how to use the summer to prepare for september (without making it feel like homework)
If you have a school meeting coming up, or you're just in the middle of it and could use something concrete to hold onto, the free guide below covers word-for-word responses for the conversations that don't go the way you hoped.
the end of the school year hits differently this time
The last day of school came and went, and I spent most of it trying to locate the feeling I was supposed to be having. I think it was relief. It kept slipping away every time I got close to it and turning into something I hadn't budgeted for emotionally and definitely wasn't prepared to deal with in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
the post-covid rise in school avoidance: what the data actually shows
Before my daughter stopped going to school, I had a vague sense that this kind of thing happened to some kids, somewhere, occasionally. I did not have any sense that it was happening at a scale significant enough to have its own research literature, its own clinical terminology, or its own entry in a BMJ journal article with the phrase "perfect storm" in the title.
oh, you just have to get her to school
People mean well. I want to start there, because what follows is going to sound uncharitable, and I am trying very hard to remain a person who extends good faith to others, which is something I have to remind myself of more frequently than I'd like since we started navigating this particular situation.
when she stays home: what the research says about making the most of a hard day
There is a version of the home day that goes fine. She sleeps in a little, comes downstairs eventually, eats something, does some work at the kitchen table, doesn't spiral, and by 2pm the day has passed without incident and you both move on. There is also the other version, which is the one that tends to actually happen.
this is, against all odds, good news
I have learned, through years of practice I didn't ask for, to read any headline involving my kid's school district with the same resigned energy I'd bring to a voicemail from the school's main line. So it says something that I got all the way to the end of this one without flinching once.
the (not so) hidden connection between neurodivergence and school avoidance in girls
I went looking for something else entirely and found the number that stopped me cold: in one large study of kids experiencing significant school distress, 92% were neurodivergent. If your daughter is struggling to get to school and neurodivergence hasn't come up yet, this might be the post that finally makes the pattern make sense.
the questions aren’t procrastination
For a long time I thought she wasn't listening. I thought she was procrastinating, buying time, running out the clock on a morning she didn't want to move through. What I understand now is that the questions were never procrastination. They were a form of self-reassurance.
what if therapy isn't helping? (and the thing nobody in the system will say out loud)
What if the constant focus on the anxiety — the appointments, the check-ins, the careful monitoring, the conversations about school and how school is going and what we're going to do about school — is making things worse rather than better? It turns out there is research on this. More than I expected.
the 5:50am briefing
I have been awake since 4:30am, not because an alarm went off — I stopped needing one months ago — but because my brain has quietly decided that this is simply when the day begins now. I get up at 5:30. At exactly 5:50am I go into her room. Not at 5:48 and not at 5:52 but at 5:50.
how to actually find a therapist for your school-avoidant teenager (the part nobody tells you)
Finding a therapist who takes your insurance and has availability and works with teenagers and comes recommended by someone who isn't just a name on a list is its own entire experience. Here's the practical version — the one I wish I'd had when I started.
when you're not on the same page (and your child can tell)
Trying to keep a boat afloat while rowing in completely different directions produces a very effortful kind of going around in circles. And the worst part — there is no captain. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the teenager climbed up and took the wheel.
if you're in the middle of it — the slow mornings, the sunday evenings, the conversations with the school that don't go the way you needed them to —
this is for you.
get a note in your inbox each week. no advice you haven't already tried. just a parent who's in it too, and the occasional thing that's actually helped.